Captain Beefheart - "The Blimp" (1969)

Hey, it's short.

Bloc Party - "Helicopter" (2006)

No, it's not WAVY-TV On The Radio.

Up In The Air: Family Channel's Blimp Vs. WAVY-TV's Chopper 10

About a month ago, my friend Pete had a job interview in Newport News. Because his car was out of commission at the time, he was forced to board several Hampton Roads Transit buses from the original stop in Norfolk. Three hours and six transfers later, Pete groggily reached his destination. By comparison, the potential employer took less than ten minutes to disqualify many applicants from a position with the company. "IF YOU CAN'T OPERATE A MANUAL TRANSMISSION, YOU WILL NOT BE HIRED!" bellowed the matter-of-fact manager. Shortly afterward, Pete repeated the extended route in reverse to his Southside digs. Six hours on the road for naught! Transportation-friendly cities like Portland (OR) and Baltimore put the largely car-dependent Tidewater area to shame. Ride the rail to your heart's content in the place famous for its Trail Blazers and custom-made doughnuts. On HRT's The Tide, your traveling range encompasses 7.4 miles from the Eastern Virginia Medical School origin to the not-so-scenic departure on Newtown Road. Raise your hand in the Charm City, and a cabbie will be at your service. Perform the same action on a Portsmouth street corner, and people will stare at you like a socially inept weirdo. What if there were a better way to get around town? What if you could look down upon the populace with scorn from your seat in the sky? What if you were able to tell that supervisor to shove a fork in his hydraulic lift? Simply unlock the correct combination in Powerball, and perhaps you'll have a choice of aviary vessels which will carry you from point Aragona Village to point Buckroe Beach in a matter of minutes.

Pat Robertson's favorite number is said to be 700,000,000. I'm uncertain if that figure aligns with his net worth, but the hefty bankroll would've been able to purchase roughly 125 Family Channel-branded airships. During the blimp's heyday in the early 1990s, it was the only aircraft of its type to illuminate at night. The powerful internal lighting system was utilized for tracking endangered right whales off the Florida coast. Other Sunshine State flights over the Daytona International Speedway on NASCAR's biggest day and Polk County for a Special Olympics promotion contributed to over $5 million of spin-off media value in the first year of operation. My first and only sighting of the IFO (Identified Flying Object) occurred at the Military Circle location of Putt-Putt Golf And Games circa 1998. While practicing trajectories on the course facing Virginia Beach Blvd., an unusual dirigible suddenly appeared amongst the puffy clouds. Indeed, the Family Channel-tagged behemoth was headed in the direction of the nearby CBN headquarters. Mouth agape, the first question I silently posed about the airship was pretty obvious: Was Pat Robertson on board? Maybe his sidekick Ben Kinchlow and Operation Blessing buddy Mr. T were also seated in the cabin. Later the same year, the irreverent home of Bart Simpson acquired the television property and renamed it Fox Family. Who knows what became of the blimp? Did it retire to stud a la Secretariat in a hangar behind the Regent University campus? Is it parked on a used lot somewhere in Chesapeake alongside one marked Blockbuster Video? Did some neo-hippie with a trust fund win it for a bargain-priced bid at an auction and have the thing shipped to Colorado? Hopefully, the Phish Phace or Spread Head kept the original logo intact, 'cause fifty stretch limos from Jay-Z's stable wouldn't come close to the entrance power of P-Rob's old ride. Pimp my blimp, Xzibit!

In 1982, WAVY-TV became the first station in Tidewater Virginia to cover local news via helicopter. The "Chopper 10" of today, a Bell 206 Longranger, has been in service since 2000. It can attain a maximum speed of 160 mph and costs approximately $1.5 million. The helicopter's registration form contains one of my current favorite words: airworthiness. I'll refer to longtime pilot John Massey by his noble title: HIs Most Airworthiness. At this very moment, Chopper 10 is on assignment at various area high schools for WAVY's renowned "Friday Night Flights" segment. The closest run-in I've had with the 'copter was in April 2008. Assessing damage from the tornado that had touched down about a mile from my home, the Longranger countlessly flew over the cluster of impacted Suffolk neighborhoods for nearly a week. Due to the unfortunate situation, any hope of grabbing a prized WAVY mini-football tossed by Katie Collett or receiving a big hug from Mary Kay Mallonee was nullified. As a consolation gift, unintentional comic relief came in the form of ex-WAVY big-shot anchorman Les Smith. Resigned to reporting for competitor WTKR- TV (NewsChannel 3), his addresses to a new camera were laced with uneasiness. Even worse, Smith came across like a total turncoat in his NewsChannel 3 collared shirt. Much like Karl Malone in a Lakers jersey, some things just don't fit no matter how much they're forced. "Nothing hits home like Chopper 10," announced WAVY-TV's legendary "Voice of God" in old spots for the station. I'm betting the deep-voiced gentleman I've heard on broadcasts since the late 1970s has taken a trip on the 'copter. NASCAR great Ricky Rudd, a Chesapeake native and friend of WAVY's veteran sportscaster Bruce Rader, would be my choice for the only person who has ever boarded both the Family Channel airship and Chopper 10.

Should the long-odds lottery ticket scratch out a miracle, add me to the roll call of the helicopter's passengers. Sorry, P-Rob. The blimp's got flow, but it goes too slow.

Social Distortion - "Death Or Glory" (2005)

He who eats at Subway...

Rose Tattoo - "Death Or Glory" (1984)

Give me pepperoni bread, or...

A Loaf Of Love

Woods Corner, a shopping center in the Kempsville section of Virginia Beach, has largely changed for the worse since my almost-daily visits to the complex ended in 2003. The Rack "N' Sack/Farm Fresh grocery store, once the source of many before-midnight beer runs, now rests like an empty bottle of Colt 45. Does CiCi's Pizza still have hungry hordes amassed outside the door for their $3.99 buffet? Nope. Not only has the price for grazing privileges increased, Kempsville residents now have to fill their faces at out-of-the-way CiCi's locations in Lynnhaven and Janaf. Forget about finding cheap CDs from the likes of XTC and The Black Crowes amongst the glorious mess of the former Consignment City. These days, the only items marked down inside the structure are bingo cards clutched by aging librarians. Something called Cheryl's Restaurant sits vacant next to the still-functioning CHKD Thrift Store. A 60% rating on urbanspoon.com might be a main reason for Cheryl's extended absence from the kitchen.

"Don't be afraid of comparing the luscious lump to a heavenly Hot Pocket encrusted by the godliness of a Golden Corral dinner roll." This was my status update on Facebook yesterday. It's also a layman's description of the go-to choice from Glory's Bakery. Immune to blight, natural disasters, World Wars and Crusades, the crown jewel of Woods Corner has been plating tasty Filipino fare such as pancit and lumpia for over 25 years. The prime factor for its 93% urbanspoon mark, though, is the incredible pepperoni bread. A soft loaf stuffed with copious amounts of said meat and stringy cheese, the generous portion certainly tops 93% of the pizzas I've ever sliced. Additional fillings such as sausage and meatballs are available, but I'd recommend your first order remain true to form. $3.99 is what you'll hand over for the bread, and $2.50 more will earn you four rolls of lip-smacking lumpia. Because of Glory's limited seating and lack of restrooms, most customers opt for the to-go Styrofoam boxes. Take that, McDonald's! Six weeks ago, my sister Shannon and I couldn't stop raving about the once-familiar offering that's now become an occasional treat on the car ride back to Peanut City. We agreed that the bread itself was worth the four bucks, and I downgraded the still-superb Golden Corral rolls to an A-minus. Sauce packets went unused, because they were a tricky proposition in the backseat. As for the lumpia, Shannon liked it well enough, but she stubbornly preferred her own take on what I've called the "best game-day food ever." Having devoured at least four dozen of Shannon's samples, I'll concede her point and posit Glory's deep-fried delight as #2 in Tidewater. The pepperoni bread, however, has no challengers for the title of "Signature Taste of Kempsville."

I regret not dining at Glory's Bakery more often when I lived about a mile from the establishment. The lure of CiCi's cheap grub was an irresistible temptation. Now that it's shuttered, people won't have the lesser option to deal with anymore. Sometimes, choice can be a bad thing. Stay away from Subway's supposed meal deals and spend only a fraction more for exponentially increased quality.

Glory's pepperoni bread: Makes me want to shout the title of a Leonard Cohen song. Well, almost.

Black Sabbath - "Blue Suede Shoes" (1969)

Again, duh!