Pixies - "Head On" (1991)

The Jesus And Mary Chain - "Head On" (1989)

Due to a lack of "lice" and "scalp" songs...

Soap The Scalp

Having "problem hair" throughout my entire scholastic existence spoiled any chance of being a Big Man On Campus or even a semi-popular pushover who frequently hosted wild parties on weekends. Rather than possessing a cool nickname like "Rufus" bestowed upon me by would-be buds on the hapless football team, one freckled-faced classmate used my excessively curly mane as an easy target and fired away with repeated "Hey, it's The Fuzz!" shots in the Olive Branch Elementary hallways. Several semesters later, a Motley Crue-loving kid named Danny likened me to the equally stunted Chris Makepeace of "Meatballs" and "My Bodyguard" fame during one round of a politically incorrect-named pigskin variation. Though I've worn a shaved head countless times post-diploma, there was never a consideration to sport the style as a pupil. Even if I'd mulled over doing so, the action would've been immediately nixed to avoid possible "skinhead" and "Nazi" accusations from an ignorant student body. In my estimation, tangled frizz for a rearranged face wasn't an equitable trade.

I failed to show up for my senior yearbook picture, but the photographers from Olan Mills had been directly responsible for a grade-school highlight: LICE TREATMENTS!!! At one session, hundreds of nattily attired, Churchland Academy charges were being prepped by the OM staff and other adult assistants. In addition to adjusting collars, straightening ties and tucking-in shirts, Olan Mills made sure each child's hair was neatly in place. Pretty standard stuff, huh? What became evident shortly afterward was that OM had used the same comb on almost every kid prior to their "Cheese!" snaps. Which, of course, led to a lice outbreak at Churchland Academy. The search for little bugs in the auditorium wasn't fun on the level of an all-day arcade visit, but the home-applied solution would be an entirely different tale. Damn, that special shampoo glistened like Head & Shoulders multiplied by 50! My scalp had never felt so vivacious! Compared to the strong chemicals found in the tingly, egg-killing ambrosia, agents such as Prell and Johnson's Baby flavored like weak sauce. Those infected children were lucky, because they probably received multiple cleansings with the manna. Too bad I couldn't locate that guilty comb, for I was ready to start a lice farm with the sole purpose of slaughtering the stock at bath time.

While not completely measuring up to the intensity of the prescribed potions, Pert Plus 2-in-1 Shampoo & Conditioner is a practical way for your strands to party like it's 1979. The greatest hits collection of -ate, -ide and -one compounds will ring your scalp's bell and send refreshed hair to the top of the charts. Anita Ward and I like how Pert Plus 2-in-1 doesn't have the build-up of other shampoo/conditioner tandems. A simple rinse is all it takes! For those who change hair colors more often than Kat Von D replaces beaus, it's gentle enough on your latest dye -- or guy, in Kat's case! Like all conscience-aware products, Pert Plus 2-in-1 isn't tested on animals. As for experiments on Sarah McLachlan, results are unavailable at press time. Since the word "INVIGORATING" appears on the bottle, perhaps I should use it in a sentence. You know what? I just did. OK, here's one in Churchland Academy-style: "My teacher told me to use the word 'INVIGORATING' in a sentence."

Kid, who needs learnin' when you've got lice treatment? Soak it up!