Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Go - "Whatcha Doin'" (2006)

That one dude is in the band.

The Replacements- "Shut Up" (1980)

There's possibly a Hebrew translation of the lyrics somewhere.

Hebrew 101

1)Is writing in Hebrew easier or more difficult for left-handers?

הוא כותב בעברית קלה יותר או קשה יותר לשמאליים?

2)Forgive me, for I have eaten at Applebee's.

סלח לי, שלאכלתי בApplebee של. 

3)When attempting to purchase two Replacements tickets for their upcoming New York City
show, a loan officer told me that I was "not economically viable."

כאשר מנסה לרכוש שני כרטיסים למופע החלפות ניו יורק הקרוב, קצין הלוואה אמר לי שאני "לא מבחינה כלכלית." 

4)As far back as Llayd can remember, people have always tried to get him.

כבר Llayd זוכר, אנשים תמיד מנסים לתפוס אותו

5)In the Princess Anne High School parking lot last Sunday evening, I saw a bunch of Pharrell
cats wearing funny hats.

במגרש חניה נסיכת אן תיכון ערב יום ראשון שעבר, ראיתי חבורה של חתולי Pharrell חובשים כובעים מצחיקים. 

6)I bet President Obama has at least one R.E.M. album on his iPod.

אני בטוח שהנשיא אובמה יש אלבום אחד לפחות של תנועות עיניים מהירות באייפוד שלו

7)The Hardsnore Norfolk blog has been dormant for at least seven years.

הבלוג נורפוק Hardsnore היה רדום במשך שבע שנים לפחות

8)These translations are nothing more than page filler for my zine.

תרגומים אלה הם לא יותר מאשר מילוי דף לזיין שלי.
9)The first time my brother Mike heard 4 Non Blondes' "What's Up?", he thought it was
a weak Rush song.

בפעם הראשונה שאחי מייק שמע של בלונדיניות שאינם 4 "מה קורה", הוא חשב שזה שיר העומס חלש.

10)Joyce Meyer behind a lectern is sexier than Jenna Jameson on a stripper pole.

ג'ויס מאייר מאחורי סטנדר נמצא סקסי יותר ג'נה ג'יימסון על מוט חשפניות.

11)The only thing we have to fear is Lee Ving recording a rap song.

הדבר היחיד שעלינו לפחד היא וינג לי להקליט שיר ראפ
12)Give me a dozen "Keep Calm" shirts, and I'll be angry for at least twelve hours.

. תן לי תריסר חולצות "לשמור על שקט", ואני אהיה כועס לפחות 12 שעות.

13)I've been accused of catering to Hardcore Norfolk by a particular individual.

אני כבר הואשמתי בקייטרינג להארדקור נורפולק על ידי אדם מסוים.

14)I can burn a pile of self-help books all by myself.

. אני יכול לצרוב ערימה של ספרים לעזרה עצמית בכוחות עצמי.

15)From the Ollie's Bargain Outlet circular:  "Unfortunately, Paula Deen was cooked in her
own skillet."

מתוך מעגלי מציאה עודפים של אולי: "למרבה הצער, פאולה דין בושל במחבת שלה."   

16)Comparing Jack White to Willy Wonka is no longer an original statement.

השוואה בין ג'ק ווייט לווילי וונקה היא כבר לא אמירה מקורית.

17)Face to face and back to back, you'll see and feel my Chex attack.

פנים אל פנים וגב אל גב, תוכל לראות ולהרגיש התקפת צ'קס שלי.

18)I wish to adopt a pet pool table.

ברצוני לאמץ שולחן ביליארד לחיות מחמד.

19)She bruised her back in her last screen test.

היא חבולה אותה בחזרה במבחן המסך האחרון שלה.

20)It's not fair to remind you of the cross-eyed bear that you gave to me.

. זה לא הוגן כדי להזכיר לך. של הדוב הפוזל שנתת לי

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Charley Pride - "Burgers And Fries" (1978)

They're as essential as air and water.

Todd Rundgren - "Hamburger Hell" (1976)

It used to be called Hot 'N' Now.

Ball Park Flame Grilled Beef Patties: They "BEEP!" When You've Cooked 'Em!

 Brunch? You won't catch me on a Sunday morning at Croc's eating an Eggs Benedict sandwich on an Arnold bun and drinking a Bloody Mary Ingalls Wilder whilst being entertained by a bevy of drag queens anytime soon. My idea of the AM-PM meal combination is a tasty cheeseburger on a Thomas' English Muffin and a side order of Cheerios at 10:30 a.m. Sure, I enjoy the buttery nooks and crannies as much as any early-rising schoolboy or Raisin Bran dad-rocker. Still, there's something special about savoring a grilled patty smothered with the cheese of my choice in between the toasted halves. For at least twenty years, I've stuck with slices of Kraft singles and Heinz Ketchup (NOT "Catsup"! You can take that mess to your nearest animal shelter, dawg!) when constructing the muffin burgers. Last week, an absence of those stock items prompted a drastic change in preparation. Squares of Sargento Swiss replaced the usual Stars 'N' Stripes offering, while Great Value Horseradish Mustard capably filled in for the Pittsburgh-based legendary condiment. As for the meat, it also differed from the packaged ground beef I'm accustomed to shaping.

What does a 40-foot rubber duck have to do with Memorial Day weekend? If "Not a Josh-darned thing!" or something more creatively expletive is your immediate response, please join me as a guest at the next cookout I attend. Perhaps we'll see an inflated bag of Ball Park Flame Grilled Beef Patties covering the entire surface of the Thornton family's swimming pool. Before dealing with that monstrosity, don't hesitate to pick up a smaller-scale version of the "art" in your grocer's freezer. Once the exhibit is safely on the kitchen counter, take a burger from the bag and wrap in a paper towel. Place the contents in a microwave oven and heat for 65-75 seconds. (I always cook 'em for 80 seconds, 'cause going a bit over the limit is my style.) Remove the patty from the towel and put it on a small plate. Top the meat with your favorite cheese and nuke for 20-25 more ticks. In tandem with a Martin's Potato Roll, add extras like mustard, ketchup, lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise and Sharon Reams' homemade pickles if you're lucky. How's the first bite?

Of course, nothing beats a backyard burger right off Eric's spatula or from the open flame at my beloved Baron's Pub in Peanut City, but Ball Park somehow manages to simulate that next-day grilled taste with just a few keystrokes on your favorite kitchen appliance. The patty was the perfect size for an English muffin, and the cheese melted wonderfully on top. A bag of six burgers can be purchased for around $7, which is less than the price of a putrid example I recently consumed at a supposed fine-dining establishment within walking distance from my home. Heck, labeling that case study for "Restaurant Impossible" as "just-fine dining" would be a gross misrepresentation of its wares. But I digress and digest. Ball Park Flame Grilled Beef Patties are highly recommended for your next cook-in.

"BEEP!" That means brunch is ready! Whose feather boa is this? I'd feed it to the duck, but he's been deflated. What a drag...

Monday, May 19, 2014

The Electric Toilet - "Mississippi Hippy" (1970)

In Mississippi, toilets flow in the same direction as anywhere else in America.

Wayne County And The Electric Chairs - "Toilet Love" (1978)

"You stick your head in the toilet, and I give it a flush..."

Toilet Talk

Over or under? How do you position a roll of bathroom tissue on your rack? I'd say most folks go with the first option. Count me among the majority who takes two-ply sheets from the top. Until recently, it'd been at least twenty years since I'd last seen an "under" roll in a restroom. The OCD side of me wanted to charge my brother Mike with toilet-paper treason via his alternate placing. Guess what? I went "under" and lived to tell about it. In fact, I'm considering a permanent switch in the less-popular direction. The two worst situations involving bathroom tissue: 1)Not having enough in stock and 2)Using a cheap, one-ply brand. Yeah, I've finally gotten "over" with never being "under."

Last Sunday, Mike and I stopped at Hardee's for a pre-movie meal. He ordered one of the higher-priced combos, and I stuck with the frugal familiarity of a $5 Big Bag. When Mike exited the restroom, I noticed a huge collection of toilet paper and hand towels strewn all over the floor. Though it wasn't my responsibility, I spent an extra thirty seconds in there cleaning up the mess. Even the sloppy sink got a bit of careful attention. After telling Mike about the custodial freebie, he expectedly wondered: "Why did you do that for? People (at Hardee's) get paid to do that." My reasoning: The cashier was friendly, the food was tasty and the iced tea was exceptionally sweetened. Besides, I can't tolerate looking at a sink that isn't completely dry.

Oh, the movie we saw post-Hardee's was a "comedy" starring Seth Rogen and an annoying Australian chick. The funniest thing about the flick was a trailer of "22 Jump Street." (Jonah Hill, I will never again confuse you with Rogen.) While purchasing our tickets, a young lady at the window handed us "Neighbors" promotional paddle keychains. Two days later, Mike and I made our umpteenth evening trip to Starbucks for iced coffees. For whatever reason, I had the still-wrapped chain and a Rice Krispies Treats square in my Wrangler's pockets. I didn't want the paddle to sully the purposeful Food Lion and Big Lots items on my key ring, so I left the trinket and treat atop the trash receptacle inside Starbucks' bathroom. More "donations" are planned for future visits. I mean, why should BookCrossing have all the fun?

One of my undeclared birthday presents was a fresh toilet seat from Lowe's. Honestly, I would've preferred a non-hardware gift card or a new pair of Pumas. At least someone thought of me this time 'round, 'cause I didn't get squat last year. After several months of use, it has spoiled other seats for me. Due to a slow-closing function that's similar to the doors on an old DeLorean, my latest lid is impossible to slam shut. When I'm in the downstairs restroom, I often forget it's a standard seat that requires a direct push to the bottom. The "Easy-Clean" designation is usually the only thing visible on the surface, as I scrub it almost daily with scouring powder and a sponge. Failing that, I go with glass cleaner and paper towels. I might not have the best seat in the house, but I'm a strong contender for possessing the most unusual.

 "Under" and out!

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Donnie Iris - "Agnes" (1980)

The B-side.

Donnie Iris - "Ah! Leah!" (1980)

The A-side.

Songstory 2: Donnie Iris - "Ah! Leah!"

1983: While vacationing in Point Pleasant, NJ, I heard a portion of the song for the first time. Two years earlier, the catchy tune had peaked at #29 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100. During my initial listen, I was either casually strolling on the boardwalk or sailing adrift in an inflatable boat with my sister Shannon as passengers aboard the S.S. Panic (Interestingly, Leah is Shannon's middle name). We would later be towed by a larger vessel to a safe spot, but the fear of becoming lost at sea remained with me for the rest of the trip. Back on terra firma, I witnessed a man in an encaged structure going from level ground to at least 150 feet upward in a matter of seconds. As a lifelong acrophobic, the elevated park activity demonstrated far more terror than amusement. My idea of high altitude was climbing a ladder in the Donkey Kong arcade game, so I asked an older relative for quarters to engage in the pursuit of a woman being held captive by a barrel- throwing ape.

2003: After catching a fine performance from U.K. punk legends the Buzzcocks at Cat's Cradle in Chapel Hill, NC, my pal jOhn A. and I stopped by an adjacent pizza parlor for some late-night nourishment. Amid the chaos at the counter, a faint chorus of "Ah, Leah" peaked thru intense conversations concerning final orders and employees' after- work plans. Until this evening's random stereo selection, I'd forgotten about the song's link to the nearly disastrous ride at Point Unpleasant (Hell, the track itself was a distant memory).  Awaiting our pepperoni-laden pie, I attempted to make an educated guess on the artist behind the mystery composition. Parts of the tune projected like a Christian metal band trying to be "cool," so Michael Sweet and his bee-suited cohorts immediately came to mind. Later on, the guitar solo had enough of a "shred" quality to suggest a deep cut from Dokken. Keep in mind, I was working with bit samples at a low volume. An "ORDER UP!" (or however it was announced) put a quick end to the musicology investigation, as we devoured tasty slices from the box on the roof of jOhn's rental car.

2012(?): Thanks to Josh Rutledge's YouTube post on his Facebook wall, I finally had a name and a face to put with the newly revealed title. It took almost thirty damn years to discover that the song which had nearly summoned me to the next level was by a dude named Donnie Iris in a canary suit. Based on Iris' "displaced Southern arena-pop" (a genre created twenty seconds ago), one YouTube commenter had envisioned a band of 38 Special-looking gentlemen prior to viewing the video. Instead, he got Dustin "Screech" Diamond desperately seeking affection from a Kim Cattrall-esque beauty. Iris' powerful pipes and axe-grinding ability eventually won over the tall blonde, as clothing was removed midway thru the clip. To quote butlerproman's classic YT line: "If I could sing like Arnold Horshack there, all the chicks would dig me." I told Josh at the time that "Ah! Leah!" was an example of the ever-fading "regional hit," for I'd never heard the cut on a Tidewater radio station. As Jeff Stoner pointed out on YT: "If you're ever in Pittsburgh, you'll hear this song at least three dozen times, no matter how long your stay."

2014: Several weeks ago, my brother Mike and I had a late lunch at our favorite burger joint in Suffolk (The Baron's Pub). We chatted with a likeable fellow from Wisconsin named Pete about the Packers, Brewers and Badgers. Right when I was ready to discuss the BoDeans and Boris The Sprinkler, "Ah! Leah!" screamed out of a nearby Internet juke. OK, so it wasn't Mike Arlo on 106.9 The Fox trying to be "hip" by getting down with Donnie, but at least the terrific tune finally met my appreciative ears in a Tidewater establishment. I wanted to share my personal history with the song in full, but Mike and Pete were still waxing over Aaron Rodgers and his "Discount Double Check" supporting cast. A pair of predictions for "Ah! Leah!": 1)You'll hear it in a widespread advertising campaign within two years from today and 2)It'll be sampled by some Cracker Jack rapper who wouldn't know The Knack from a (New York) Knick. Time to spin the record's B-side. I promise to do so before 2044.