Toilet Talk

Over or under? How do you position a roll of bathroom tissue on your rack? I'd say most folks go with the first option. Count me among the majority who takes two-ply sheets from the top. Until recently, it'd been at least twenty years since I'd last seen an "under" roll in a restroom. The OCD side of me wanted to charge my brother Mike with toilet-paper treason via his alternate placing. Guess what? I went "under" and lived to tell about it. In fact, I'm considering a permanent switch in the less-popular direction. The two worst situations involving bathroom tissue: 1)Not having enough in stock and 2)Using a cheap, one-ply brand. Yeah, I've finally gotten "over" with never being "under."

Last Sunday, Mike and I stopped at Hardee's for a pre-movie meal. He ordered one of the higher-priced combos, and I stuck with the frugal familiarity of a $5 Big Bag. When Mike exited the restroom, I noticed a huge collection of toilet paper and hand towels strewn all over the floor. Though it wasn't my responsibility, I spent an extra thirty seconds in there cleaning up the mess. Even the sloppy sink got a bit of careful attention. After telling Mike about the custodial freebie, he expectedly wondered: "Why did you do that for? People (at Hardee's) get paid to do that." My reasoning: The cashier was friendly, the food was tasty and the iced tea was exceptionally sweetened. Besides, I can't tolerate looking at a sink that isn't completely dry.

Oh, the movie we saw post-Hardee's was a "comedy" starring Seth Rogen and an annoying Australian chick. The funniest thing about the flick was a trailer of "22 Jump Street." (Jonah Hill, I will never again confuse you with Rogen.) While purchasing our tickets, a young lady at the window handed us "Neighbors" promotional paddle keychains. Two days later, Mike and I made our umpteenth evening trip to Starbucks for iced coffees. For whatever reason, I had the still-wrapped chain and a Rice Krispies Treats square in my Wrangler's pockets. I didn't want the paddle to sully the purposeful Food Lion and Big Lots items on my key ring, so I left the trinket and treat atop the trash receptacle inside Starbucks' bathroom. More "donations" are planned for future visits. I mean, why should BookCrossing have all the fun?

One of my undeclared birthday presents was a fresh toilet seat from Lowe's. Honestly, I would've preferred a non-hardware gift card or a new pair of Pumas. At least someone thought of me this time 'round, 'cause I didn't get squat last year. After several months of use, it has spoiled other seats for me. Due to a slow-closing function that's similar to the doors on an old DeLorean, my latest lid is impossible to slam shut. When I'm in the downstairs restroom, I often forget it's a standard seat that requires a direct push to the bottom. The "Easy-Clean" designation is usually the only thing visible on the surface, as I scrub it almost daily with scouring powder and a sponge. Failing that, I go with glass cleaner and paper towels. I might not have the best seat in the house, but I'm a strong contender for possessing the most unusual.

 "Under" and out!