One of the quirkiest books in
my library was purchased last year at Dollar Tree for a fee too obvious to
reveal. The Enlightened Bracketologist: The Final Four of Everything
(edited by Mark Reiter and Richard Sandomir) uses familiar draw sheets from the
popular NCAA tourney for purposes other than collegiate hoops. Sure, an
obligatory nod is given to the best March Madness Moments with the
initial pairings (In the final "game," Christian Laettner's
last-second dagger against Kentucky in 1992 triumphs over Texas Western's historic all-black squad defeating a different group of UK
Wildcats in 1966), but other topics are put through the same
round-by-round ringer. American beers (Abita Turbodog makes it to Monday
night), baseball myths ("Chemistry creates winning teams" hoists the championship banner), indie rock albums (How
many overtimes to decide the Pixies' Surfer Rosa versus Sonic Youth's Daydream
Nation?), sidekicks (Eventual finalist Jimmy Olsen dribbles past Scottie Pippen
in the opening frame) and video games (Tetris incessantly blocks The Legend Of
Zelda's arrows en route to a title) contain just enough shock and awe
to warrant several hours' worth of debate amongst fellow prognosticators.
The subject that turned me into an armchair referee? Candy bars. Swear to Gobstoppers, I'd always wanted to construct a list pitting
favorite treats against one another in bracket form. Of course, many of
my choices parrot those found in TEB: Mr. Goodbar, Butterfinger, Skor, Snickers and Mars. Whatchamacallit's omission
from the 32-team dance, however, is an injustice greater than last Saturday's
controversial Bradley-over-Pacquiao decision. Seriously, Milk Duds and
Rasinets make it into the field at the expense of an all-time
great? What a Goober! Another treasured bar I'd sneak
into a theater is the chocolate-deprived PayDay. The peanut 'n' caramel
concoction tastes elimination during its Thursday tilt with Twix
in TEB's mouth. Rather than penning a fresh draw on the provided
blank sheet, I'm going to expedite my tournament by skipping directly to
the finals. For years and years, PayDay and Whatchamacallit have traded
places on the top line. Tonight, only one will cut down the nets and join
Arby's Sauce in The Rung's Hall of Champions. In lieu of Francis
Scott Key's hit single, we're gonna crank up The Strangeloves' "I Want
Candy" at full volume. Both combatants have stepped out of their
wrappers. It's crunch time!
Can a candy bar sans chocolate stand alongside the rim rockers from
the Hershey's factory? In 2007, the PayDay Chocolatey Avalanche joined
its beloved grandfather in the snack-stocked racks. I don't ever
recall seeing the Avalanche (or other variants like the PAYDAY PRO energy bar and the Honey-Roasted limited edition) in grocery and
convenience stores, so I'm not able to vouch for its enjoyability. Forget
about such reservations with the O.G. PD, though. If you're loopy for
legumes like myself, every bite of a PayDay (King Size, of course) will turn
your taste buds into salty escapees from shelled asylums. With
a tightly wound center of caramel covered by plentiful
peanuts, a living representation of this beautiful bar would make the
Mr. Peanut statue in Downtown Suffolk blush in admiration. Thank Goodbar
I don't suffer from nut allergies, 'cause I'd totally risk asphyxiation
by clocking out for the final time via the "poisonous"
PayDay. Beats sucking down Fiero fumes in a locked garage,
huh? Back among the living, the miniature versions are perfect for
Halloween bags and homemade Dairy Queen Blizzard experiments. If Edy's or
Blue Bunny were to offer PayDay ice cream in merchants' freezers, I'd gladly flash my old-fashioned scooper
and dip like a stupid stick. For a period in the 1980s, PayDays
were packed with individually wrapped nickels. Why the
bribery? Even Charlie Brown and Lucy would love the
"brittle for babes" without an endorsement advance. After all, they are Peanuts.
The wonder that is Whatchamacallit was first brought to my attention in the
semi-classic advertisement featuring two Little Leaguers circa 1980.
("What do you call it?") Shortly after seeing the spot, I
made tracks in the direction of the 7-Eleven on Portsmouth
Blvd. Taking a siesta from the usual Big Wheel ice cream sandwich, I placed a
handful of coins on the counter and secured the latest Hershey's confection. Strolling
back to the wasp-infested Cherokee Park apartment building, I couldn't resist a
bite of the chocolate-covered block. Finally reaching my doorstep, I
almost double-backed to the 7-Eleven for another Whatchamacallit fix. With
a delicious blend of peanut crisps, caramel and milk chocolate coating, I
desperately wanted to spoil my dinner in the best way. Maybe I could've
given a bit to the intimidating insects as a peace
offering. Thirty-two years later, Whatchamacallit remains on the
A-list for sugar rushes. Recently, I began a tradition of gifting a fellow candy lover with King Size bars at
rock shows and such. Thanks to "Lil' Beth," I was able to swap
my favorite Hershey's product for another gem from adolescence --
Chunky. If I win Powerball or come into an inheritance, I'll point
the GPS system at Brooklyn and meet three former Norfolk acquaintances at Chip
Shop Pub. While engaging in a roundtable discussion on all things
rock 'n' roll, Unger, Larry, Idle and I would feast on crunchy fish and other
accoutrements. Post-meal, four Whatchamacallits would be placed in the
deep fryer and presented at our table in altered states. What would I
call it? How about an idea that needs to happen?
Judging by the looks of the PayDay and Whatchamacallit die-cast vehicles (Cool,
huh?), I'd say the El Camino is packing more peanut power under
the hood. Since drag races aren't the worst ways to settle
debates, PayDay edges out the pickup at the line and gets Whatchamacallit's
pink slip.
TurboDog would make it to my Elite 8 at least. Surfer Rosa v. Daydream Nation? Too close to call!
ReplyDeleteIn my draw, Daydream would prevail in an OT squeaker.
ReplyDeleteAwesome Gunther! Maybe that's what you can call the deep fried whatchamacallits. Awesome. And thanks for the the nod to my chunky fixation. We are over due for candy swapping!
ReplyDeleteWhatchamacallit? VICTORY!
ReplyDeleteas for Surfer Rosa vs. Daydream Nation.... See you in the BAG with that one.
Gunny, anothet stellar piece.
Beth, have you ever been to Chip Shop? Tidewater really needs a kick-ass fish 'n' chips place. The plate from the Scottish restaurant featured in yesterday's paper looked good, but I want something less proper. See you at the next candy swap!
ReplyDelete