A Toast To Nutella

Sliced bread is often the measuring stick for great inventions. Because a toaster can be used to heat it, the countertop appliance has to rank among our finest creations. I mean, when was the last time you ate a butter sandwich on two pieces of Wonder straight from the package? Skippy and Smucker's love the added crunch of their structural supports. Oscar Mayer and French's long for kisses from the Nature's Own twins on the "3" setting. Drowned in a pool of Hellmann's, one Star Kist jar extends no apologies to Charlie for choosing the well-to-do toasted rye over an expired, crumbly white loaf from the 39-cent store. A block of 30-year-old government cheese finally melts and reaches for the rays of Sunbeam instead of the lower crust from Bottom Dollar. Gwaltney Big 8's and Heinz on Mary Jane... Whoa, dawg! Gotta put the brakes on that bakery truck but fast! Three culinary dictums are in violation here: 1)Hot dogs not made with beef suck harder than a leech on Lady Gaga, 2)Hot dogs and ketchup go together like Curt Schilling at Barry Bonds' birthday party and 3)Hot dogs should only be served on buns.

Back in the bread line, Arnold 100% Whole Wheat is bored with the old stand-bys and craves a different sort of spreadable substance. Noxzema? OK, not THAT different. Fresh from a satisfying session with the heat lamps, the Arnie Sisters decide to moisturize their faces with rich 'n' creamy Nutella. Fortified by hazelnuts (over 50 per jar!), cocoa and skim milk, the nostrils get the first treats. Nuts and chocolate combine for an aroma that pleases like Toll Houses from Mom's oven or the Sara Lee plant in Suffolk during peak hours. If you're the kind of "just looking" irritant who sniffs Yankee Candles at Becky's Hallmark for almost an hour, add a wick to your roomie's Nutella jar and inhale away. Smearing the spread on the Arnie slices, you may wonder if the frosting-like texture blends well with bread. The concern isn't unfounded. After all, you wouldn't put mustard or mayonnaise on a cake. Doubt not, Duncan Hines, for Nutella is a near-perfect complement to wheat toast. Due to the hazelnuts' presence, what immediately comes to mind are those tasty candies from Ferrero Rocher. During the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, I've been known to devour more than my fair share of the gold-wrapped chocolates. If the mallet-wielding wooden soldier from grade-school field trips to Chrysler Hall is responsible for smashing the FRs in order to make a delicious spread, my inner 12-year-old thanks him. Stanley Roper and the cuckoo bird employed by General Mills would strongly approve of the cocoa flavoring. When he wasn't busy with binoculars, perhaps the leering landlord enjoyed Nutella sandwiches prepared by his perpetually horny wife. There have been questions (and even a lawsuit) regarding the healthiness of the product. Maybe Nutella is "good for you" in the same way as Reagan's ketchup packets (It's a vegetable!) or Michael Evans' favorite health tonic (18% alcohol!).

Vita-Brite might be Dyn-O-Mite, but Nutella is the freakin' A-bomb! Pair your covered toast with sensible choices such as apples, pears, strawberries, peaches, orange juice and Minnie Driver.

Cheers!