Monday, June 20, 2011

A Toast To Nutella

Sliced bread is often the measuring stick for great inventions. Because a toaster can be used to heat it, the countertop appliance has to rank among our finest creations. I mean, when was the last time you ate a butter sandwich on two pieces of Wonder straight from the package? Skippy and Smucker's love the added crunch of their structural supports. Oscar Mayer and French's long for kisses from the Nature's Own twins on the "3" setting. Drowned in a pool of Hellmann's, one Star Kist jar extends no apologies to Charlie for choosing the well-to-do toasted rye over an expired, crumbly white loaf from the 39-cent store. A block of 30-year-old government cheese finally melts and reaches for the rays of Sunbeam instead of the lower crust from Bottom Dollar. Gwaltney Big 8's and Heinz on Mary Jane... Whoa, dawg! Gotta put the brakes on that bakery truck but fast! Three culinary dictums are in violation here: 1)Hot dogs not made with beef suck harder than a leech on Lady Gaga, 2)Hot dogs and ketchup go together like Curt Schilling at Barry Bonds' birthday party and 3)Hot dogs should only be served on buns.

Back in the bread line, Arnold 100% Whole Wheat is bored with the old stand-bys and craves a different sort of spreadable substance. Noxzema? OK, not THAT different. Fresh from a satisfying session with the heat lamps, the Arnie Sisters decide to moisturize their faces with rich 'n' creamy Nutella. Fortified by hazelnuts (over 50 per jar!), cocoa and skim milk, the nostrils get the first treats. Nuts and chocolate combine for an aroma that pleases like Toll Houses from Mom's oven or the Sara Lee plant in Suffolk during peak hours. If you're the kind of "just looking" irritant who sniffs Yankee Candles at Becky's Hallmark for almost an hour, add a wick to your roomie's Nutella jar and inhale away. Smearing the spread on the Arnie slices, you may wonder if the frosting-like texture blends well with bread. The concern isn't unfounded. After all, you wouldn't put mustard or mayonnaise on a cake. Doubt not, Duncan Hines, for Nutella is a near-perfect complement to wheat toast. Due to the hazelnuts' presence, what immediately comes to mind are those tasty candies from Ferrero Rocher. During the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, I've been known to devour more than my fair share of the gold-wrapped chocolates. If the mallet-wielding wooden soldier from grade-school field trips to Chrysler Hall is responsible for smashing the FRs in order to make a delicious spread, my inner 12-year-old thanks him. Stanley Roper and the cuckoo bird employed by General Mills would strongly approve of the cocoa flavoring. When he wasn't busy with binoculars, perhaps the leering landlord enjoyed Nutella sandwiches prepared by his perpetually horny wife. There have been questions (and even a lawsuit) regarding the healthiness of the product. Maybe Nutella is "good for you" in the same way as Reagan's ketchup packets (It's a vegetable!) or Michael Evans' favorite health tonic (18% alcohol!).

Vita-Brite might be Dyn-O-Mite, but Nutella is the freakin' A-bomb! Pair your covered toast with sensible choices such as apples, pears, strawberries, peaches, orange juice and Minnie Driver.



  1. Minnie Driver?


    I forgot to pick up some wheat bread this past week at the store, but im thinking about some crispy toaster waffles with me some Nutella here lately...

    Im also going to write a piece and maybe even do an art film where i spread either peanut butter or nutella with a switchblade.

    I been helping Jules with her Krav-Maga defensive moves against knife attacks aand i began doing this cool move where i flip the knife from the attacking hand to the other hand for a last second strike/kill very risky maneuver, but really cool looking too.

    I wanna do it while eating peanutbutter crackers next adding to tne obscurity

  2. I've liked Minnie Driver ever since seeing her in "Circle Of Friends." She also impressed in "Good Will Hunting" and "Conviction." Loved her take-no-crap attitude in the latter film.

    Haven't strayed from the wheat bread yet, but waffles might be my next pairing with Nutella. Too bad it can't be Minnie.

    Nutella and weapons: Perfect!

  3. Remember when Kobe Bryant was the face of Nutella? That campaign sure didn't last long!

  4. I don't recall. I'm assuming it was pre-Colorado...

    Just finished a Nutella lunch. Two sandwiches, Cheerios on the side and two bottles of water. Tomorrow, it's Papa John's!

  5. Yeah, raping is not the best way to hold on to one's endorsements. Wish I would have bought a couple jars before they removed his face from the packaging! That shit would be worth money today.

    Is there a Little Caesars in your area? That's the best deal going - five bucks for a large pizza.

  6. I need to find some pics.

    There's no LC near me. Used to eat there all the time in the '90s.

  7. Josh.

    I too partake of the LC deal, everyone round these parts have taken to just calling them 'Hot-N-Readys'

    Deffy the best pizza for the price by far... gots me thinking...

  8. Saw sliced bananas on a Nutella sandwich. Definitely gonna try it.

  9. The Hot N' Ready has to be the best deal in America. Paying just $5 for a quite good large pizza is the opposite of paying $18 for four razor blades.

    For the record, I have never tasted Nutella. I will try it if G watches The Wild One.

  10. That's a deal! I'll let you know when I get it from Netflix.

    I've got enough Papa John's to last me until Friday. Love those little peppers! Too bad I ate 'em both.

  11. i have actually pled with PJs to NOT put peppers with the pizza. Cause neither Julie notr I eat'em... and they are almost always included. I dont like'em. Their juice actually ruins the slice of pizza that they touch in my opinion... Its like a throw away piece that I hope Julie grabs that she hopes I grab. its almost always the last piece of pizza left...

    Im gonna call it Gunthers slice for now on.

  12. Hot-N-Ready for dinner tonight. How about $9.62 for one large sausage pizza, one order of Crazy Bread, one dipping sauce, and a bottle of Pepsi? And we have leftovers!

  13. I want PJs to put five peppers in every pizza box. I'd eat them on the slices. Mushrooms get my vote for the worst topping. Don't care for them on burgers, either.

    Sweet deal, Josh! You've really changed your tune about Pepsi!

  14. The Pepsi was for my wife. I had a Pinkus organic hefeweizen with my pizza.

    I'm still searching for a good reason to eat mushrooms.

  15. Baron's Pub accidentally put mushrooms on my burgers a couple times. They were easy enough to remove, so no harm was done.

  16. From time to time I'll get a mushroom and swiss burger at Hardee's or McDonald's. Otherwise that shit doesn't cross my lips. And on pizza? Yuck!

    Saw a TV commercial for Nutella last night. It's a sign from God.

  17. Pork loin in mushroom gravy is great, though. Love it with mashed potatoes, butter beans and baked bread. Sweet tea to drink, of course.