Flex Your Face

Since first lifting a razor to my cheeks in the mid 1980s, I have never maintained a consistent shaving schedule. The average length of time between facial mowings has fallen in the range of 9-12 days. I am not a hippie. There are probably more Grateful Dead albums in Donald Trump's music collection than mine. I am not a hipster. For all I know, Sufjan Stevens' middle name is Suck. I am not Kenny Rogers. Eating unlimited servings of rotisserie chicken and corn muffins gratis for life makes me wish I were, though. What's my excuse? Aside from general laziness and apathy, the task of shaving has never been an enjoyable activity. Whenever I find my way to the sink, the usual plan of attack is to gather a straw basket of new and used disposable razors, grab a holey washcloth from the hall closet, drench my face in hot water to open the pores, coat the mug in creamy Barbasol and maneuver the cheap instrument in downward motions. Invariably, the one-bladers are quickly jammed with stubble, the ends of the cloth are used to remove it, my face is covered in more blood than an MMA octagon, the foam is fizzled and the razors are duller than my perception of "The English Patient."

Detroit Pistons power forward Charlie Villanueva has probably never received a Norelco for his birthday. Afflicted with an autoimmune skin disease known as alopecia universalis, he lacks the ability to grow hair anywhere on his body. Though the condition is otherwise harmless, Villanueva had to endure painful trash talk from the Boston Celtics' Kevin Garnett. During a heated tussle between the two, KG called his opponent a "cancer patient." By comparison, Villanueva's worst moment in the NBA was posting to his Twitter account during a game.

Do I envy Villanueva's hairlessness? No, but I'll gladly take a portion of the $35 million contract he signed in 2009. Dough in hand, I'd fill a shopping cart with BiC Flex 4 razors. I tested one for the first time last week, and the experience was a rare treat on my skin. Why hadn't I previously reveled in the joys of a smooth shave? The Flex 4's multiple blades cut through stubborn hair with the force of a Dyson vacuum on a dishrag, yet the pivoting head and sturdy handle offered the control of Danny Sullivan during his 1985 Indianapolis 500 triumph. The aloe- and vitamin E-coated conditioning strip glided gently on my face. No shrapnel was trapped between the blades. Blood remained flowing internally, thus vacating the need to cover cuts with wet bathroom tissue. Forgoing the cloth, I ended the session with an extremely hot towel across the scalped areas. A satisfying end to a super shearing!

Should I adopt Mon/Wed/Fri or Mon/Thur/Sun as my new schedule? I'll get back to you in 9-12 days.