Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Flex Your Face



Since first lifting a razor to my cheeks in the mid 1980s, I have never maintained a consistent shaving schedule. The average length of time between facial mowings has fallen in the range of 9-12 days. I am not a hippie. There are probably more Grateful Dead albums in Donald Trump's music collection than mine. I am not a hipster. For all I know, Sufjan Stevens' middle name is Suck. I am not Kenny Rogers. Eating unlimited servings of rotisserie chicken and corn muffins gratis for life makes me wish I were, though. What's my excuse? Aside from general laziness and apathy, the task of shaving has never been an enjoyable activity. Whenever I find my way to the sink, the usual plan of attack is to gather a straw basket of new and used disposable razors, grab a holey washcloth from the hall closet, drench my face in hot water to open the pores, coat the mug in creamy Barbasol and maneuver the cheap instrument in downward motions. Invariably, the one-bladers are quickly jammed with stubble, the ends of the cloth are used to remove it, my face is covered in more blood than an MMA octagon, the foam is fizzled and the razors are duller than my perception of "The English Patient."

Detroit Pistons power forward Charlie Villanueva has probably never received a Norelco for his birthday. Afflicted with an autoimmune skin disease known as alopecia universalis, he lacks the ability to grow hair anywhere on his body. Though the condition is otherwise harmless, Villanueva had to endure painful trash talk from the Boston Celtics' Kevin Garnett. During a heated tussle between the two, KG called his opponent a "cancer patient." By comparison, Villanueva's worst moment in the NBA was posting to his Twitter account during a game.

Do I envy Villanueva's hairlessness? No, but I'll gladly take a portion of the $35 million contract he signed in 2009. Dough in hand, I'd fill a shopping cart with BiC Flex 4 razors. I tested one for the first time last week, and the experience was a rare treat on my skin. Why hadn't I previously reveled in the joys of a smooth shave? The Flex 4's multiple blades cut through stubborn hair with the force of a Dyson vacuum on a dishrag, yet the pivoting head and sturdy handle offered the control of Danny Sullivan during his 1985 Indianapolis 500 triumph. The aloe- and vitamin E-coated conditioning strip glided gently on my face. No shrapnel was trapped between the blades. Blood remained flowing internally, thus vacating the need to cover cuts with wet bathroom tissue. Forgoing the cloth, I ended the session with an extremely hot towel across the scalped areas. A satisfying end to a super shearing!

Should I adopt Mon/Wed/Fri or Mon/Thur/Sun as my new schedule? I'll get back to you in 9-12 days.

25 comments:

  1. How much do you pay for the Flex 4 catridges? I'm a Gillette Fusion Power man, and those blades are outrageously priced. I'm talking like $15 for a four blade pack at Target. Works great, but man that's a lot of money!

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  2. Check that...it's not $15, but rather almost $18 for a GFP 4-pack! Highway robbery!

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  3. Not sure. The razors themselves were $6.99 for a three-pack. $15 for four blades? To quote former BiC endorser Johnny Mac: "YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS!!!"

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  4. $6.99 for three ain't bad compared to $17.49 for four...Sounds like I'll be switching to the Flex 4!

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  5. They've worked great thus far.

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  6. I got a sollution for BOTH of you.

    GROW A BEARD!

    Trust me, reading Gunnys piece reminded me of all my bad times shaving.... then i used getting married as an excuse to grow a beard. I swore i would shave it when Olive was born, but i didnt. If hair is growing in those poors, then achne isnt there.

    I usually trim it abou every 4-6 weeks and i get 'whats up' nods from bikers and other revolutionairies...

    Im not making that up either...

    So grow away!,,

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  7. Brian Wilson of the SF Giants has enough beard for the three of us. I'll let him wear one.

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  8. Given the overwhelmingly hillbilly essence of my gene pool, I am unable to grow a beard without looking like the ugliest mountain man you ever saw. It just doesn't work for me - although I've tried. Furthermore (and I'll phrase this tactfully so that we may retain our PG rating), certain parts of the female anatomy can be irritated by facial hair. It's good to be clean shaven in my world.

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  9. Hmmm Josh with hillbilly roots? Ye-haw! The harder you fight it, the longer it is until you lose Josh....

    So just dont fight it bruddy...

    As for your linking of female anatomy and irritation.... you sly devil! I guess you really arent fighting after all!

    Im proud of you and if the bikers knew, they'd be nodding anyhow.

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  10. So this morning I'm shaving and for the first time in months...I cut myself! I hate when that happens. There's always that split second where I hope I only "imagined" that I sliced into my chin, and then the blood flows and the truth cannot be denied. Who's the dork leaving the house with a band-aid on his chin? Me!

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  11. Even worse when it's your lip...

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  12. I know! A cut lip while shaving is a total blood bath. I wonder if you have massive lips like Steven Tyler, does it bleed even more?

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  13. Ruts, did ya dot it with toilet paper? Should have taken a picture of it for this post.

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  14. Tyler has probably cancelled shows for that reason.

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  15. No dotting for me. I wipe the wound, apply pressure, and get a band-aid on there. I need to get some of that crazy alien technology tube type stuff I used to have where you just roll it on there and the bleeding stops. That shit blew my mind.

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  16. Working in a machine shop you NEVER wanna use anything to seal a wound... so i stay away from such things. For some reason now infections are running rampant in the shop and if even the smallest wound heals from the outside first, nasty stuff is left behind and infection sets in. This happened to me and i narrowly escaped a emergency operation to cut dead muscle away in my left hand that would have left it permamently messed up. Luckily everything worked out ok... be glad you dont have my job.

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  17. I kept a tube of that roll-on stuff six years past its expiration date. Still worked like new.

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  18. Experation dates are for pussies man, PUSSIES!!!!

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  19. I'm sure a box of Christmas Crunch from 2005 would be fine to ingest, providing the box is still sealed.

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  20. Did you know that Andy Slob once ate a french fry from the front portch ground of The Southgate House?

    Earned him the nickname of 'Dirty-Fry' He would eat an UNSEALED box first...

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  21. Andy's defense: Five-year rule.

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  22. So far, I've gotten six shaves out of the first razor. Might have a seventh one left in it.

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  23. I bought a three-pack. The shave pales in comparison to the Gilette Power Fusion, but for the price it's not bad at all. Gonna stick with it for a while, because I could save myself some serious money!

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  24. I bought some Gilette imitation three-bladers from Walgreens. Don't see myself using them until August or September.

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